Fifty Shades of Lady Porn - pt 2!

Time to party with non bland characters in a really engaging and thoughtful story!


Just kidding - it's back to throwing shade at Shades.

Part 1 was here: Fifty Shades of Lady Porn - Pt 1

Chapter 12

 

OK! Lets do this.

 

Ana goes for a run. She thinks about going to Grey’s and banging him and decides she can’t run far enough. Ana doesn’t run much. Ana listens to Snow Patrol.

50 shades of grey, people!

She brings up this idea that Grey is “this way” because something happened to him, which is probably why this book has pissed off the entire BDSM community.

I take a break and look at the back cover of the book. It reads “romantic, liberating and totally addictive” Well that’s true. Its making me addicted to cleaning my house and cooking and doing any of those chores I usually avoid when I’m not forcing myself to read 50 shades of grey.

Back to chapter 12. Ana watches her friend parade around in bikinis commenting on her curvy, slim figure to die for. Great job for her, because if we know anything about Ana – apart from her crack-like addiction to twinings – its that she’s great at judging people’s attractiveness.

 Ana sends some weird joke email to Grey and then waits for a reply and doesn’t get one and gets pouty but never to fear! Grey magically shows up at her apartment. He sits on her bed and she’s all “CHRISTIAN GREY IS SITTING ON MY BED” like this guy is not a rock star or anything and I think 5 days ago when she went to interview him, she didn’t even know who he was so this whole idol worship thing doesn’t work.

He ties her up with a neck tie, and she wonders what panties she’s wearing. Well, Ana they’d be sweaty whatever you wore.

He goes and gets some wine and then like sips it and transfers it to her mouth. And she’s all “it’s been in HIS mouth” I start thinking about that scene in Dusk ‘til Dawn with the sexy snake dance and how Salma Hayek pours wine down herself. I think about how hot that was and then read this again and all I can envision is manbaby Grey spitting wine into Ana’s mouth like an indifferent camel.

He puts some wine in her belly button, oh and she’s blindfolded with her shirt at this point and fingerbangs her. POW POW POW POW  and then he’s like “how do you want it?”and she’s like “whooooo! Any way!” pretty much and then they do some doggy style and Ana has multiple orgasms

Anyway they talk and Grey is all “I DON’T SLEEP WITH MY SUBS YOU ARE SPECIAL BUT IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN (I don’t know if I mentioned it but they slept in the same bed and he doesn’t do that because he’s not a hearts and flowers man)”

This convo is sooooo boring I’m not recapping it.

Ana talks to her lazy, curvy friend and is all “we don’t make love – we fuck” and she’s sad he won’t date her.
Her friend is like “Well then why are you with him then?” (pretty much) and I’m thinking “right on, friend!”

Anyway she goes through the contract  - despite JUST SAYING she was upset because he only wanted to fuck and not date – and emails him saying she’s not going to eat from a list and blah blah other things. WHY CANT I TOUCH YOU, I cant look in your eyes, why not?

And Im thinking “WHAT IS HAPPENING havent they already touched and looked in each others eyes and stuff? Weren’t they holding hands earlier in the book?”

YES THEY WERE. PAGE 41 “I’m in the street, and Christian Grey is holding my hand” If he’s fine to hold her hand, I don’t understand where this whole “YOU CANT TOUCH ME” stuff is coming from.  Did that not happen?  Is this whole book Ana’s deluded fantasy? Oh shit - that was meta

He emails back all caps lock demanding she go to bed and I think “Grey is such a big bratty manbaby”

 

Chapter 13

 

Grey sends her a definition of submissive (that he probably got from wikipedia) and Ana is all “oh my god I’m so happy he’s still talking to me” like fucking hell, Ana.

They email banter and they argue about whether Ana should drive or Grey should pick her up and BLAAAHHH they go to a restaurant and discuss the contract. You know, the contract sounded at least a vaguely interesting part of this book until I FUCKING READ IT and now I am so bored with it I just wish they’d shut up about it.

Anyway they talk … well … see the issue is Ana has doubts about it. But she’s not really saying it. I’m not blaming her but I wish she’d actually say what she was feeling instead of thinking it at me.

She thinks, “I’m worried he’s going to hurt me emotionally” and I think back “don’t think this at me, woman, talk to the person in front of you”

Anyway she’s worried, he’s all “blah blah pleasure!” and she’s like “he’s sexy and I can’t resist him” and then they do this thing where she’s trying to hide she’s aroused and he can see it because he’s Grey or whatever so she sucks on a piece of asparagus to ... I don’t know why she does it.

Asparagus is total seduction, right?

So, she leaves because she’s not sure if she wants to do it. Grey’s all NO YOU CANT LEAVE I COULD MAKE YOU STAY

Like red flags all over the place but this is fantasy porn so Ana is like “I’m sure you could but I’m going”

So Ana wants a relationship that’s more than a contract, so she doesn’t want to sub or isn’t sure if she will like it, and then she’s pained by the idea of not banging him or seeing him anymore and starts crying.

And anyway she’s upset because she doesn’t feel like a girlfriend and that D/s is all Grey knows. He’s not a HEARTS AND FLOWERS MAN. You know, except for when they’re prancing through the streets holding hands and going on helicopter rides and going to dinner with SEXY ASPARAGUS or whatever.

And Ana thinks “well this is all I know so maybe we can do something different together”

And I roll my eyes until they almost fall out of my head because I’ve read 230 pages to get to “she’s a woman with a special heart that can heal a damaged, sad man with a dark past” and I’m so sick of this idea that a woman’s love can heal people

 

Chapter 14

 

She has a sexy dream about sucking Grey’s riding crop – which is not a metaphor –  and then goes and graduates.

Grey is there cause he’s giving a macguffin speech. Anyway Ana tells him that she wants more and Grey is all “More? You want HEARTS AND FLOWERS” (DRINK every time someone mentions this!) and she’s like Yeah and he’s all “I don’t know that” and then she agrees to the contract which is probably a mistake, all things considering but - it’s her boring life.

 

Chapter 15

 

Anyway THEY KEEP GOING THROUGH THE CONTRACT in like MINUTE detail and I didn’t sign on for a class in contractual law so can we just do this please?

It turns out Grey likes anal and he was with some dominatrix who fucked him or something and I’m like “hot! Hottest thing in the book so far!” until I realise that’s probably part of his dark past or some shit.

Grey likes tying up people so they can’t touch him. DARK PAST!

Anyway Ana is REALLY NERVOUS about pain, like she doesn’t want any pain and I’m thinking, just say no then. She actually voices this WHICH IS A BABY STEP in the right direction at least. He’s like “well thanks for telling me but we’ll work up to it” and I’m like whatevvver worst dom EVER. Like “oh you’re not comfortable with that? Well we’re doing it anyway! So sucked in”

He mentions bed and she gets all horny and he’s suddenly like “I’ll try more, I’ll give you a day during the week where we date” or something. And Ana is all HOORAY he’s going to try! HEARTS AND FLOWERS POSSIBLY

Anyway he buys her a car because he thinks hers is dangerous and I think her dad bought her the other car she was driving so total jerk move but she’s like “oh he’s had money all his life, its misguided but from a good place” and im like “YEAH BUT HE WANTS YOU TO EAT ALL YOUR FOOD BECAUSE OF THAT WEIRD OBSESSION WITH NOT WASTING”

He’s like “IF I WANT TO BUY YOU A CAR I WILLLLLLLLL” LIKE SHUT UP you stupid manbaby

Anyway they start boning - NIPPLES PUCKERING LOL

Also, side note, she has bitten her lips over a hundred times by now. I never mentioned it before because I’m like “this will be the last time she does that surely” but it’s this THING.

This common recurring theme is starting, where it’s like she thinks about almost enduring the bdsm side of his life to be with him and it’s really weird. Also, the stuff they’ve done is not even BDSM? Its just like, him going downtown or her giving bjs, or missionary doggy style.

Like I can see why the bdsm community is like “um 50 shades YOU DON’T SPEAK FOR US” because it’s just really weird. 

E.L. James cackles and wipes her ass with hundred dollar bills, and doesn’t notice.

They bone, watching each other, even though he was just like “we don’t make eye contact because doms and subs don’t do that (lies)” and then I’m thinking, maybe they’re having non bdsm sex because she hasn’t signed the bloody contract and THEN I’m thinking “well obviously Grey CAN have sex that isn’t with a sub BECAUSE HE IS HAVING IT RIGHT NOW”

STUPID GREY.

YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUS

 

Chapter 16

 

They’re cuddling after sex… which I THOUGHT HE DIDN’T DO WTF and Ana’s like “why don’t you like to be touched?” and he’s like “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up” and I’m like Ana run. He’s just so up himself. You just need to quit being a helicopter ho and just high tail it.

Anyway he demands she goes on contraception because he doesn’t like wearing condoms, and damn, if 50 shades of grey didn’t just become A REAL LIFE STORY. Contraception belongs to the woman. Well fuck that, and fuck you GREY. Why is it Ana’s job to do the contraception, Grey? Go get yourself snipped. Men who aren’t HEARTS AND FLOWERS MEN don’t want kids right?

Anyway she rolls her eyes at him over something else, and hes all “I told you id spank you if you did that again” and im like “must’ve skimmed over that” and he’s all IMMA SPANK YOU then Ana’s all  DO I DO IT??, and she does it, and he spanks her and she tries to get up and he just keeps going anyway – she does not use a safe word though and I’m like “wait, is she into it or not?”

THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO IN THIS STYLE OF PORN

Anyway she APPARENTLY is into it because she’s wet – they both seem to agree on this

THIS…THIS is a problem for this book.

You know what would have been great through that scene? FUCKING KNOWING whether Ana was being beaten or not??? Do you think??

Ana doesn’t use the safeword but I don’t know if that means she forgot it – she is new to it – she forgot about safewords entirely or she didn’t want to use it because she wanted to experience what was happening.

Grey doesn’t mention the safe word either. BUT THEN I’m like, if he were a good dom WHICH HE ISNT wouldn’t he know to check in with her?

And I don’t get anything from E.L. James to say that she’s worried about using the safe word for any reason. She’s just not a good enough writer to describe Ana’s internal conflicts so we’re left in “Wait what just happened” territory.

WHICH IS NOT GREAT ALSO I LOVE SPANKING AND THAT WAS SO UNSEXY AND OFF PUTTING

E.L. James is busy lighting hundred dollar bills on fire and flinging the burning remains off the roof of her mansion, and doesn’t notice.

Also this book hard to read as porn because it has SOO MANY boring scenes about families and contracts in it – that I’m sure normal 50 shades readers find suspenseful and erotic or whatever.

Anyway Ana talks to her friend and her friend is all “if he’s a jerk with commitment issues then dump him”

DUH ANA.

Ana emails him drunkenly and calls herself “some woman he fucks occasionally” and I roll my eyes. And Greys all like “blah blah don’t call yourself that” and she’s like “I DON’T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW” and Grey’s all mewling pitiful “WHYYYYY” And then she’s like “because you don’t stay with me” and turns off her computer and her passive aggressiveness is too much and I roll my eyes until I’m dizzy and  drop the book

I HATE ALL THESE CHARACTERS

Maybe I’m too harsh on Ana but seriously, you have a choice. Choose to leave if you’re not happy. I cannot abide this NO I MUST STAY SO I CAN FIX HIM WITH MY LOVVVVE bullshit

I pick it up again and she goes to bed and then Grey comes over (her friend is all “FUCK OFF, GREY”) and Ana is SOBBING and Grey is all “you said you were ok – you need to tell me when you aren’t” and there is so much horrible communication in this book

They sleep, as in sleep, together. (which he doesn’t do)

 

Chapter 17

 

Don't worry guys, Ana’s all better now because Grey spent the night. I throw shank eyes at the page. They start emailing, DO SOME ACTUAL WORK GUYS, and Ana writes to him that she’s conflicted about what happened because it was painful but she was aroused.

Grey is all, you had a safe word and you made a choice AND FUCKING THANKS A LOT ANA because now you’ve got Grey siding with me and I don’t want him on my side.

In Ana’s defence, FUCK, he really needs to talk a bit more openly about things and maybe do some safe scenarios where he gets her used to saying it while she’s got all these experiences/feelings happening.

Anyway she’s all happy about her audi now. Shes not a low-rent twinings bitch anymore! Yeah like whatever the fuck to that car your Dad bought you!

She goes to Grey who has made her an appointment for the ob-gyn and this whole, overtly forcing her to take contraception is not my bag – and there’s no gyno porn either which I wouldn’t be against …well in a better book anyway – so I’m skipping the whole subplot

 

Chapter 18

 

THEYRE IN THE PARTY ROOM PARTYING. Grey sniffs her panties and I cackle gleefully. Panty sniffing manbaby!

Grey is wearing jeans that are sexier than the other jeans he was wearing? ..?? Don’t get it or why that was important to tell us in the party room.

GET TO PARTYING

He’s got his riding crop, he’s bought one that was like the one in Ana’s dream. He makes her orgasm with his riding crop. E.L. James actually does a better job of describing what’s going on in Ana’s head so you’re not in a weird “wait does she actually want this?” frame of mind

She’s super into it. It’s probably the best chapter so far but then, that’s not really saying much.

Grey tells her she has a CAPTIVATING SEXY ASS oh my god I’m dying that is amazing

 

Chapter 19

 

They’re going to Grey’s mothers house or whatever the fuck I don’t know. Ana’s looking for her panties but she can’t find them. She remembers Grey stuck them in his jeans pocket – YEAH HE DID! TO SNIFF LATER!

She decides to go without panties and refuses to ask for them back. She decides she will go to Grey’s mothers without any underpants.

Look, I’m not even wearing underpants now so this whole HOO RA LIBERATION angle isn’t working on me.

They’re at Grey’s mums. And I… don’t care?

Seriously there’s so much family in this book, like we’re meant to be like “awww family” or something, but you know what I DON’T like thinking about while reading porn?

MY FUCKING FAMILY

 

 

Chapter 20

 

Grey’s all upset and he’s like “IM GOING TO SPANK YOU” and she’s like “please no I don’t like it” and he’s like “WELL THEN I’M GOING TO FUCK YOU” and she’s like “climb aboard!”

They bone in the boathouse – it’s nothing special or interesting

BLAH BLAH

She says she’ll sign the contract. WTF hasn’t this already been DONE TO DEATH I thought she HAD already signed it because they went to the party room!?

Ana’s like “I want you to make love to me”

And I think “didn’t you already do that though?”

And Grey’s like “didn’t we already make love”

Like FUCK, again this panty sniffing bitch sneaks back to my corner.

Blahdy blahdy blahhh

OK they’re talking about why Grey doesn’t like being touched, AGAIN, and it goes on for a little while as he deflects and basically Ana bargains with spanking. She’s like OK you can spank me if you tell me why you don’t want to be touched.

He goes and gets some ben wa balls and they put them in and he tells her to go get a drink of water. And she’s all OOHHHHH ben waaaaaaa

Anyway she asks to be spanked and she’s into it and then they bone and Ana’s like wheeeeeyyyy and then they finish and Grey’s all “my mother was a crack whore”

…Way to kill the mood!

 

That’s enough, I can’t handle any more.

 

 

Chapter 21

 

WE’RE IN THE HOME STRETCH PEOPLE!

What will fifty shades bring us next? More contractual law? More boring family scenes? Dom/Sub emailing? And WHEN is Ana going to get her twinings fix?

 

Ana’s lying in the bed thinking about Grey and why she can’t touch him. She gets out of bed feeling stiff and well used.  Shit, I roll out of bed like that every day. It’s called GETTING OLD.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD she runs into Grey’s maid!!!

However my excitement is short lived because I realise this is not the sassy maid I envisioned, instead a bland attractive one (did you expect any different? Everyone in this book has been beautiful and boring!)

I satisfy myself by imagining sassy maid is off in Hawaii with two of Grey’s attractive pool cleaners. I think the sassy maid will be a redhead with an accent.

Attractive blond maid of bland DOES offer her some tea though, and I’m starting to get a jonsing for twinings.

Grey is on the phone pretending to be important at his work.

Grey sees Ana and smiles and she’s all like “HE’S A BEAUTIFUL MAN-GOD! AND HE’S MINE FOR NOW”

Grey tells whoever is on the phone (i.e. the bored actress he pays to pretend to be his assistant and to wiki things for him) that he has a date. And he’s all “That’s what I said, a date” like she was SOO disbelieving that MR GREY could ever DATE someone.

After all, he’s not a HEARTS AND FLOWERS MAN. Ok no one said it then BUT IT WAS PERFECT.

Anyway Ana’s like “DO ME ON THE DESK!” and Grey is all “OK”

Ana’s thinking “this isn’t making love this is fucking” and I’m like WHAT IS MAKING LOVE to these people? Like WHAT does she think that is? Is making love only making love when you’re in a bed? Or gentle? It’s really WEIRD like EVERYTHING in this book is a little weird and off

E.L. James is smoking weed wrapped in hundred dollar bills, and doesn’t notice

Also, where’s Blandy Maid with the twinings?

Anyway Ana is like “Always prepared” pointing at the condom wrapper – girl, you need to work on your pillow talk and then Grey is like “A man can hope, Anastasia, dream even, and sometimes his dreams come true” – whatever THAT means!?

Grey is so insufferable I don’t know how Ana puts up with him. Oh right, she’s in love with the deep dicking. She’s got an a-dick-tion.

BLAH Ana is going to Georgia. They chat over breakfasttt… Grey’s like “I’LL MISS YOU!”

 

Ana’s at a job interview and she’s thinking “Grey is just bossy ho hum” and I’m like “Just keep telling yourself that Ana”

Ana’s interview is with a brunette woman (A brunette!!!??? Escandalo! Grey is the only one allowed to have dark hair in this world as it goes with his DARK PAST) and she does not SPECIFICALLY say that the woman is beautiful but I assume she is.

The interview is so short I’m like “why is this in here taking valuable time away from grey’s dark past and the lack of hearts and flowers?”

She goes back to her apartment and her friend is there, looking gorgeous as usual don’t you know, and her friend (her name is Kate) is all “your boyfriend is a shit” ( paraphrasing) and he’s really controlling blah do you know what you’re doing blah? He does seem like he’s fallen for you though”

Ana’s like “I can’t say what I think, I’m afraid I’ll frighten him away!”

Kate says “you two need to talk about things” like fucking you think?

Ana goes to her bedroom thinking, “is Grey afraid of his feelings for me?” and other shit like JUST TALK TO HIM IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY OR LEAVE OR WHATEVER JUST DO SOMETHING BEFORE I IMPLODE FROM FRUSTRATION AND BOREDOM

She emails Grey telling him her interview went ok if he’s interested. She waits for a response and is like “He normally emails back instantaneously!” because he’s SO BUSY AND IMPORTANT like the CEO of a company is always right near the computer ready to answer emails.

She “waits and waits” and she doesn’t specify how long she waits so I like to imagine she just sat there for HOURS just staring at the computer like a psychopath and then he emails back “Everything you do interests me, you are the most fascinating woman I know, I’m glad your interviews went well” BUT DOM/SUB IS ALL HE KNOWS

Ana asks about the non-sassy maid, asking if she was a sub of his. Grey is like “I don’t hire anyone who subbed for me, YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION BECAUSE YOU’RE SOOO SPECCCIAAAALLLLLL”

 Ana goes and gets on a plane and Grey has upgraded her to business. She’s pissed off that he interfered and I have had ENOUGH of that.

Like she didn’t want the Audi, she was offended when he bought it, but now she’s like zipping the fuck around town in it all “IT’S GOT A LIGHT UP MIRROR” like TAKE the gifts or don’t but don’t take them and complain and then be all hypocritical about it.

In the constant race between which character is pissing me off the most: Ana takes the lead

 

Chapter 22

 

She sits in the airport lounge and opens her macbook to test the theory that “it works anywhere in the world” and I’m like WHAT are you talking about, you insane creature? You’re testing to see if the macbook starts up in an airport lounge? Why WOULDN’T it??? What am I missing???

Does she mean connecting to wifi or something?

Ughh

Anyway she teases Grey by emailing she got a massage from some dude, and he’s all “you’re winding me up and I’ll stow you in a crate next time, forget first class” and she’s like “I don’t know if you’re serious, sorry if I pissed you off” and he’s like “you can’t email during take off and he makes a joke about spanking her with two palms” and I start laughing cause I’m imagining Grey slapping Ana’s ass like a person trying to start a slow clap.

Anyway when she lands she sends him a long email that explains her position, finally, like “What you’re offering is sexy but I’m worried you might actually hurt me, and you could get to the end of the contract and there I am high and dry after all this emotional investment on my behalf. (paraphrasing) I don’t know if I want to be a submissive, but I do want to be with you, so I just need to think for a while – away from you because I see you and get super horny and we fuck and I don’t get anywhere emotionally”

Ana goes to see her mother and talks and her mum’s like “ALL MEN ARE MOODY” like not helping there Ana-mom, and also INCORRECT.

Grey responds all “I WANT YOU FOREVERS PRETTY MUCH” but its super long and not that clear but I am just reading between the lines. He’s like “I’m upset that I upset you, I can make the contract as long as you like, please don’t make any hasty decisions blah blah” Ana’s gaga for him and they have a long series of email exchanges and then he’s like “I’m going to dinner with an old friend” and Ana fucking enters a fit of jealousy

I probably should have mentioned before but Grey was with some older woman called Mrs Robinson when he was a teenager or something. I must’ve skimmed over it. Anyway Ana is like “HOW DARE SHE!” and starts googling pictures of Grey like a crazy person and saves one “in her favourites” like what? She saved a google image in her favourites? Or does she mean she has a folder called “favourites”? Seriously, Ana and computers… It’s like talking to one of my elderly customers on the phone at work and they’re like “I don’t know how to use the google”

Anyway Grey is like “yeah I was with her. She’s a friend”

And Ana flips out a bit and GREY MAGICALLY APPEARS HAHA HE’S SO MYSTERIOUS

 

Chapter 23

Ana’s mom invites him to drink and he accepts because it’s not like she might have wanted to see her daughter alone and catch up or anything.

Apparently Grey is so hot that Ana’s mum can’t stop staring at him. Maybe she’s mystified by his rudeness.

Anyway Ana’s mum invites Grey to dinner the next night and then excuses herself to go to the restroom. Ana thinks “Mom…you’ve just been” and I’m like “Fuck you Ana, maybe it’s the six cosmos you just drank and they’ve gone through her and she doesn’t have the bladder she once did because you FUCKING SQUATTED on it in the womb for nine months, or maybe she just wants to go flick herself off because Grey is like a man-god or whatever, either way shut up”

OH MY GOD, what if Ana’s mum was MRS ROBINSON!? That would be epic.

Anyway Ana is like “Mrs Robinson was a child molester” and Grey is like “it wasn’t like that” and Ana says “what if it had been a fifteen year old girl, and it was an older man introducing her into this BDSM lifestyle?” and then she’s like “what if it were Mia?” and I think to myself “who the fuck is Mia?” And I guess it must be his sister or something that I skipped over in one of the MANY MANY family scenes.

Anyway blah blah Mrs Robinson and Grey don’t have sex, they’re business partners and the husband found out and that’s why they stopped.

Ana is all “DO YOU LOVE HER?” (whuh??) and Ana’s mum returns all “Helloooo I’m oblivious to this conversation!” Oh now I’m CONVINCED she’s Mrs Robinson.

Anyway Grey leaves and Ana’s mum is all “He’s a catch!” like you met him for five seconds before you went for a piss, so I see where Ana gets her amazing ability at judging everyone on face value.

Unless SHE’S MRS ROBINSON in which case, delightful.

 

 

Anyway she goes over to Grey’s hotel room to be all “DO YOU LOVE HER” and Grey’s like “Nah” and they start boning and Grey’s all “Are you bleeding?” and it takes me a moment to realise he means period (she is btw so I hope Grey’s into rainbow kisses)

They keep making out and he’s like lets go have a bath and I think “…while she’s on the rag? Is that a good idea?”

So they’re getting into the groove and he’s getting her to watch herself in the mirror while they play with her nips and I think “my nipples get so sensitive when I have my period so that would be so unpleasant for me”

And then he’s like “When did you start getting your rag?” and Ana’s says “Yesterday” and he’s like “Good!” and yanks her tampon out and throws it in the toilet.

DAMMIT GREY! TAMPONS DON’T GO IN THE TOILET! Toilet paper and human waste are the only things meant to go down there.

This sort of nonsense is why we get fatbergs.

They bone.

Anyway, Ana sits on him in the afterglow, bleeding all over his balls, and notices that he has scars on his chest like burns. Ana questions him and then is like “did Mrs Robinson do this?” and he’s like “NO! LET UP ON MRS ROBINSON” and Ana’s like I DON’T UNDERSTAND and Grey is like without Mrs Robinson I would have gone the way of my mother.

And then he’s like “I have a therapist to talk about this stuff with”

Anyway, I’m getting bored so in summary: Grey is a damaged man.  

Chapter 24

 

Ana dreams about Grey, Grey wakes her up and says he wants to “chase the dawn”.

FUCKING NO TO THAT

Blah blah they have breakfast and he gives her TWININGS so she gets her fix after all.

They’re going gliding apparently, and I AM SO CLOSE TO THE END, I CAN SEE THE FINISH LINE like 60 pages to go

THEY GO TO IHOP the waitress is DAZZLED by Grey and she can’t even speak

Blah blah they’re emailing and it’s all very boring and Ana says she is pissed at him (jokingly) and Grey asks if Ana is “growling” at him. And then says something like “I have a cat of my own for growlers” and I start giggling insanely because growler is a slang term for vagina

I mean his answer didn’t make sense anyway, but it reminded me that I have to use the word “growler” more often.

I promise myself I’m going to use it tomorrow. At work.

 

Chapter 25

 

Blah Blah first class flying blah back at Greys blah

PARTYROOM ok. I stop flicking.

Ana is kneeling, thinking about how much she wants to suck his toes (as in actual toes) Grey is acting all dom like and Ana is all “he’s seven shades of sin in one enticing look” LIKE WHATEVER Ana at least get the book title right

FINALLY Grey asks her to say what the safewords are (red for stop btw and yellow for uncomfortable), like maybe this chapter should have been way at the start

He blindfolds her and puts some headphones on her. OH NO HES GOING TO FORCE HER TO LISTEN TO HIS SHITTY MUSIC!!! RED RED RED RED RED RED RED

She’s listening to a celestial choir (“red”) while he works her over – and then he’s like boom inside her and she has an awesome orgasm. Good for her.

 

Chapter 26

 

She wakes up all disoriented, in the dark, at 5 a.m.  all “I NEED TO TAKE MY PILL” and shit that’s me every day

Grey is playing the piano (red!) and she goes to listen to him and sees that he’s a sad man. * sigh * Grey’s like “you should be asleep” and I’m like “yeah, you think? Well don’t fucking PLAY THE PIANO AT FIVE A.M. YOU ASSHOLE”

Seriously with this guy!

She forgives that fuckery instantly, because this is a fantasy world (no woman I know wants to be woken up at 5am to hear some dude banging on a piano, no matter how beautiful or damaged and sad that man happens to be. Pianos are LOUD)

IT’S ALMOST OVER

They bring up the contract (NOOO RED RED RED) and Grey says they can amend it and I’m like “you never even used this thing”

Anyway they bring up the whole Grey needs a submissive thing and it’s so tired by now, because he obviously doesn’t and she’s like “I don’t want to be punished just like you don’t want to be touched” and Grey’s all “fucking what?! You hate it that much? But last night?”

And Ana’s all “I did that for you because you need it” Yeah that’s a great reason to do something – a woman can heal with her special love!

and then they’re all like WAAAHHHH and she’s like “Show me how bad it can be” and I’m like “Wait what’s going on?” and they go to the partyroom. Grey is confused, and Ana is confused and I AM confused like maybe just talk about it a bit more?

Anyway she gets on his lap and he belts her and she hates it but she endures it and then stands up when he’s done and is all “DON’T TOUCH ME, YOU ARE FUCKED UP!” She then yells “YOU NEED TO SORT YOUR SHIT OUT, GREY!”

… I have no idea what just happened or why. Red?

Was she trying to see if she could take it? Whaaaa? Anyway she runs away from him all angry and is like “I wanted to explore the dark but it’s too dark” like fair enough I guess, if it’s not your bag it’s not your bag. But … safeword?

So she lies on the bed for a while and Grey comes in and they’re both like “Well I guess we’re incompatible?” and Ana cries and Grey’s all “I don’t want you to go” and Ana’s like “take your audi but I need the money for the car you sold from underneath me”

I think I’d be saying “I want my fucking car back”

And that’s it! She finally decides that she can’t give him what he needs, and he can’t give her what she needs and she fucks off.

That’s actually a great ending!

However I am aware there are two more books so I assume they get back together. All is forgiven if Mrs Robinson turns out to be Ana’s mum.