Fifty Shades of Lady Porn

Ok. So there has been a lot of discussion about Fifty Shades of Grey recently, obviously, cause the movie just opened. People are giving it devious motivations such as normalising abusive relationships - I think it's lady porn so I give it a pass because in my opinion, no one should be modelling life long relationships on porn. Porn is a fantasy you visit, and then leave. I assumed this was a power/control fantasy that people could slip in and out of.

However I never read it, so felt a little out of place arguing on it. Now I didn't read it, because I thought it would be boring.

See, I LOVE SEX. I love sex, I'm not ashamed about it. I love my body, I love being naked, I love watching sex and porn, reading sex and porn, writing sex and porn. I especially like having sex, and trying new things wherever I happen to be.

So I avoided Fifty Shades because, well, I assume it is for people who aren't me.  I think female characters who are excessively innocent are indeed boring.  They're just not for me. They don't have to be.

BUT, I wanted to see if this book was touting itself as more than just lady porn (lady porn to me is romance to the reader whether it be good or bad romance + sex scenes + certain mary sue-ish qualities to the female character. If you're interested, I think male porn gets to the point quicker and is super graphic) and if people had a reason to think that this book could be taken seriously enough for fully grown, able minded women to misconstrue the relationship depicted for a "normal" relationship.

I thought while I read it, I might as well recap it, because... well I thought it might be funny.

So here we go, stream of conscious Fifty Shades of Grey...

 

Chapter 1

We open with a woman struggling to brush her hair. I wonder what the fuck I got myself into and skim forward to try to find some hot sex scenes. There are none to be found in the first few chapters.

The woman with the 1^st world hair problems is of course Anastasia Steele. She’s an English literature student, and her roomie is sick – and blonde and beautiful! - so she has to go interview someone her friend was going to interview for the macguffin. That someone is Christian Grey.

Look. I don’t really care about the set up. All you need to know is that Ana is hyper insecure, and when she goes to GREY ENTERPRISES or whatever, she is immediately intimidated by every woman she meets because they are so beautiful and blonde and she is just a mousy student who struggles to brush her hair into ponytails.

You know this character. You’ve seen this character. Usually they appear in tweenage books, but as this is erotica based on Twilight I suppose I have to give it a pass. Apparently characters like this are great blank slates for women to imprint themselves upon which makes me utterly depressed.

Back to it. Ana gets up to meet Christian Grey for the first time and I kid you not, she FUCKING trips through the door to his office. Literally. Christian Grey has to help pick her up. What the fuck, Ana? I roll my eyes so much that I almost drop the book.  

E.L. James is throwing hundred dollar bills around her mansion and doesn’t notice.

OK back to it because this whole blogging thing was only meant to be a brief overview of each chapter.

Ana drops her tape recorder twice while trying to set up for the interview. What the fuck, Ana? Like maybe stop being an English lit student and start taking lessons on how to walk and hold things.

Anyway, Grey is all “mysterious” and “charming” and beautiful. Everyone in this book so far is beautiful. Ana’s a clumsy fug, though.

Apparently Grey wants to feed the world’s homeless or something and I’m thinking – shouldn’t the university send a journalist to interview this man and not an english lit student? Are they the same thing in America?

The interview ends and it’s established Ana works in a hardware store and has, some, friends.

Wait she works at a hardware store? She can’t even hold a tape recorder and someone hired her to handle saws and shit?

Bad decision.

 

Chapter 2

 

Grey appears at the store! He is the “epitome of male beauty” and he found out where she works! Which is a total stalker move but that’s what she’s hoping has happened. She wants to bone Grey. I’m skipping forward.

He buys rope, masking tape, cable ties and coveralls. If E.L. James is alluding to the idea that Grey buys his sex items at Home Warehouse I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE COVERALLS are for?? Please, I really want him to wear his overalls while he’s banging. That would be sublime.

 

Chapter 3

 

Oh her lazy sick friend from the start is the journalist. Ok. Im happy with that. Honestly, E.L. James probably said that earlier and I was skimming.

Anyway, through a series of boring events, Grey takes her out to a coffee shop for tea. And it’s twinings. I’m super unimpressed by the twinings. OK, there is nothing wrong with twinings, but if I bought tea at a café and they served me hot water and a twinings bag? I would get up and leave.

Grey tells Ana that she’s self-contained. I think “Yeah - when she’s not tripping through doorways”?

They talk about their families and Ana thinks some questions are too personal but tells him the answers anyway which is strange. Maybe he’s SO BEAUTIUFL AND COMPELLING that she has to answer his questions.

They get up and Ana trips and falls into the road and Grey has to catch her.

I start fucking laughing.

And Ana wants to kiss him.

 

Chapter 4

 

Grey is like “No Ana you must stay away from me because your nonexistence sense of balance is too intoxicating!”

They don’t kiss. Ana is dejected. Ana snaps at him and Grey is all puppy dog eyes, wounded heart sad man for SOME reason. Like dude, chill, you met this chick twice. Three times?

Ana walks away and STARTS CRYING like, EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK CHILL OUT.

Grey sends her some books. Ana goes out drinking and drunk dials him. She’s very aware he is a control freak – just thought I’d throw that out there.

Anyway, he wants to know where she is, because she is TRASHED, and she hangs up. I had someone who used to ring and act all drunk and then refuse to tell me where he was and I would get SO SHITTY. Like, don’t call.

Grey turns up to save her from her amorous friend who is trying to pash on, and then holds her hair out of the way while she vomits. It all happens really quickly.

Anyway he makes her apologise, which is assholey and I wouldn’t apologise – I’d be all “get me a sausage roll, bitch!”, and then makes her drink a glass of water.

He then leads her out onto the dancefloor? Wtf? Didn’t she just vomit? Anyway, she’s into his dance moves and I’m wondering if E.L. James has ever been trashed to vomit point cause I tell you what you don’t notice after you’ve just puked? Someone’s dance moves. You do however, gain an uncanny sense of navigating to the closest sausage roll.

Anyway Ana is shocked her friend – the journo – is with some guy, which is weird, because Ana is with a guy and then Ana passes out and Grey is all “FUCK”

 

Chapter 5

She wakes up in his hotel room. She apparently has a hotel room in the same hotel, so I’m not sure why – with all his mystery and bags of money and endless twinings – he doesn’t just take her there.

Maybe it is so he can turn up after his work out and she can see him all sweaty,

Like what an asshole move - the last thing you want when you’re hungover is to know someone has been working out.

Apparently Christian Grey smells better than a margarita and now I KNOW E.L. James has never been out drinking because she would know that nothing smells better than margaritas. I curse E.L. James for THAT fuckery.

E.L. James is currently shredding hundred dollar bills to line the rim of her gem-encrusted margarita glass, and doesn’t notice.

Ana is all “FUCK YOU I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO COME GET ME”

And Grey is like: Puppy dog eyes, wounded heart sad man.

Grey is all “if you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled” and Ana is fully into that, even she’s hungover and there would be no time in my head for spanking fantasies if I were rocking a tequila hangover.  For sausage rolls though…

Ana starts thinking that he came and saved her from perceived danger and he is like a knight. Knight puppy dog eyes, wounded heart sad man. That's him. He is a damaged sad man with a dark side.

Ana has a shower and comes out and Grey has got her some tea, Twingings, and she’s like falling all over herself all “HE REMEMBERED” and I’m thinking “IT’S TWININGS, settle down, I the maid put that in the hotel room”

Ana offers Grey money for the non-vomity clothes he bought her, which makes me strangely happy.

Grey is all “I’m not a hearts and flowers man, even though I am obviously because I am buying you clothes and books and saving your hair from vomit, but I am a sad man. A bad man. Stay away. P.s. I remembered which tea bags you like, and do you want a job at my company?”

I’m struggling to envision Grey in control of anything, because within five seconds he’s gone from telling her to stay away to offering her a job. Like dude – you’re the dom, right? Figure your shit out.

Grey is all “EAT!” and says he has a problem with wasted food, which is a weird trait for a billionaire to have, but I guess he did say that thing at the start about feeding the world’s poor or whatever.

He calls a helicopter and Ana is pretty much shitting her pants with excitement.

PAGE 78 has the word erection on it. Good, because I am 50 shades of bored right now.

 

Chapter 6 -

Blah helicopter. Music choices. Mystery.

“I want to show you my playroom” FUCKING THANK GOD because if I have to read any more about Grey’s music or Ana falling over I’m going to vomit.

 E.L. James is drinking her money-filled cocktail and doesn’t notice.

Chapter 7 -

Seriously, we’re almost 100 pages in.

Anyway there’s some BDSMy stuff, and a huge bed with chains and such. The bed is covered in red leather. Ana smiles weirdly at a couch facing the bed. I hope the couch is also covered in red leather, but E.L. James doesn’t tell me so the couch furnishing will be a mystery for now. Ana likes a flogger.

Grey is all “I want you to party here.”

And Ana is like “don’t you have other volunteers to party?”

(They don’t use the word party but it makes me laugh)

Grey says yes but he particularly likes Ana. Of course, because she is SO SPECIAL AND INNOCENT. You can tell by the no sense of balance thing.

He wants Ana to please him. Ana would be delighted to please him and asks him how it works. Grey says he has some party rules which make it safe. And if you don’t party the way he wants Ana to, he will punish Ana (which is the party he wants anyway cause he gets all whispery)

Ana is like “what do I get out of this?”

And Grey is ALMOST APOLOGETIC (way to go super-dom fantasy) and says: “me”.

Wrong answer. He should have said “Twinings”

 

So they start nutting everything out, and Ana is like “what if I’m not interested?” and he says “well this is the only relationship I want” which I think is pretty fair. You have to be up front.

Anyway the contract is the contract. It’s all like “you gotta be up to party and you gotta party hard”. It also says she needs seven hours of sleep a day, so I’m out. I sleep six, tops. I wake up at 6am, and when I get home I need time to watch the Shield and then bingewatch you tube videos, and that usually happens at 11pm. Contract also says she needs to shave so I am double out.  It also says she has to exercise or something which she’s all like “Im not exercising four times a week”

I would be smart and say that sex is exercise so if I’m not exercising he’s not doing his job correctly. I would make the worst sub. The worst, sleepless, hairy sub in existence.

Anyway Ana is totally into all this shit, oh and she's a virgin

 

 

Chapter 8

 

Grey’s all “flick yourself off” - sorry that was an abrupt transition. Grey was all shocked that she was a virgin and then they decided to bone – and then he’s undressing her and THEN he’s all “flick yourself off” and she’s like “nah”

So that contract shit was for nothing, wasn’t it? Because the first thing he asks her to do she refuses. I’m not saying she shouldn’t refuse – flicking yourself off is your own choice – but seriously. Why even HAVE a contract if it’s not going to be honoured?

I flick back (lol through the book, not myself because ... mehness) and maybe she hasn't actually signed yet. But if this sex is an audition for the role, that's sort of an auto-fail right? Like running a red light during a driving exam?

So anyway, Grey is not a hearts and flowers man but he gets her off with only nipple play. They bone a couple of times, missionary, and she falls asleep.

Sex review: meh. But it was her first time, and why should her first time be anything but meh? You’re not a real woman unless your first time left you completely uninspired and considerably sticky.

 

Ana wakes up and NOOO GREY IS PLAYING MUSIC skim skim skim

Grey has a sad side, according to Ana.

Not just a sad side. A puppy dog eyes, wounded heart sad man – sad side.

Like fucking duh, Ana.

 

Chapter 9.

 

Ana and Grey are making breakfast. Well she is making it. I think – is there a maid? Because if so, I would get the maid to make it. Grey pulls out some Twinings, like seriously, if Twinings isn’t a major producer of 50 shades movie they fucking missed the boat.

Grey is all “I’ve never had vanilla sex before” shut up Grey. I don’t see how that’s true when you are like vanilla yoghurt personified.

Anyway they party in the bathtub, and Ana doesn’t have a gag reflex and is super awesome at giving bjs  her very first time – this book is seriously just porn without reality. And then Grey’s all “I owe you an orgasm” which is thoughtful (but he’s not a hearts and roses man) and he dives into clam like a hungry starfish.

And then he hears his mother out in the hallway.

 

 

Chapter 10

 

Grey pulls his jeans on with no underwear. I mention it because Ana is so surprised. I’m surprised she is surprised. Is she so innocent she doesn’t realise people sometimes go without their underwear? Is it because he just yanked himself out of her cooze and now he’s stuffing his wet wriggle into some jeans and he’d probably be sensitive? Maybe. Because if she’s worried about her streaking lady juices, GREY IS A BILLIONAIRE and there is some maid cleaning the dna off his pants and off the floor of the party room.

I hope she’s real sassy about it too. Like he’s trying to enact his weak-ass dom routine over her and she’s just rolling her eyes at him all the time like “I have to clean up your spunk but I do not have to take your lip. And you better buy me a vacation to Hawaii for my christmas bonus this year.”

I want to read about Grey’s maid.

Anyway back to this boring story SANS sassy maid, Grey’s mother is there for some reason and Ana wants to meet her.

But I don’t really care about Grey’s mother, so I skim skim skim… they’re at a restaurant… “my mother liked you” says Grey – well that’s important. I think it’s way too early in the relationship to be meeting someone's mother, but that’s my own personal views.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Chapter 11

 

Oh wait she hasn’t signed it yet. Anyway the contract is here and it’s really long. However I like the part at the end where it’s all like “Does the sub consent to butt plus, consent to ankles bound etc etc” it’s super efficient. So good work E. L. Greymes.

I would like to note that Ana’s inner goddess is jumping up and down clapping her hands.

Grey and Ana do some playful dom/sub emailing while she’s at work. I think she’s working for him now.

GREY TELLS HER TO WIKI ‘SUBMISSIVE’ AT WORK and I LAUGH. I laugh for so many reasons.

I imagine Grey learned how to be a dom from wiki.

I imagine he has his own wiki – I’mnotaheartsandflowersman.wikia

I wonder how his I.T. department deal with filters. My work blocks sex and gambling and gaming sites. But what happens at Grey Enterprises?

Like is all sex stuff allowed through, but not gambling or gaming? And the people who work there are not invited to the party room are all confused about why they can get to redtube but not kotaku? And how did that meeting go down when Grey told them? Subtle side eyes aplenty?

I cannot stop laughing at this.

E.L. James is doing the backstroke, Scrooge McDuck style through a sea of hundred dollar bills, and doesn’t notice.

 

 

 

I’m taking a break. Chapter 12 on later.


Annnnddd...   Part 2 is here